Apologies to the Staff

Unraveling the universe attempt #3

I'm not a hundred percent on this but if a black hole were to absorb another black hole...bad shit would happen...I dunno maybe it gets flipped inside out and starts spewing matter and light back into the universe,Pressure,heat and light would be pushed out at a phenomenal rate,Creating a huge stream of plasma,cooking the universe back to it's base elements or giving the entire universe a thin atmosphere and planets start falling or shifting from orbit or something.
I'M NOT A SCIENTIST GOD DAMN IT!

Anyway,to the main title.
I had a lovely invitation from my grand parents,for lunch.(I won't mention the place,as I do not wish to tarnish their reputation with a list of goods they would not serve me).
On arrival after a long chat with my grandfather about how folksy old fashion racism is ok but black people shouldn't say nigger,we were seated and ordered drinks I ordered a glass of red wine and then my grand dad interjected.
I shall take this opportunity to explain;
My grandfather is a seventy something year old man,with acute angina and a host of medical conditions.He has a special pair of leather driving gloves(for his pewter grey corsa) and a matching leather hat(you know the ones,they make you think of miners and people who drive trains).Anyway he has a sense of humor that the biggest bastard in hell would question,It isn't bad..but not everyone gets the joke and no subject is taboo.
He orders me a brandy,expensive and for his own amusement(brandy makes my face scrunch up and go bright red,also means I make a loud hissing noise) because he knows I won't waste something that "Expensive",comparatively speaking paint stripper has a far nicer aftertaste and thin bleach goes down smoother.

A lone waiter appears and I've had a good ten minutes of odd looks from all around while my grandfather laughs hysterically.
"Are you ready to order?"
My GD orders gammon steak with pineapple and egg and chips..not it's name on the menu but it was on the plate.And my GM ordered Coq au Van(insert Cock joke here).

And I ( my GD having kicked me in the shin and winked at me) gave an extensive list,some highlights below;

- 1 human young on a roll.(met with nervous laughter)
- 1 Carnivore safe salad.(I was proud of this one)

- 1 special soup,withdrawn instantly because I'd feel bad for destroying something the chef thought was special.

- A single plum, Floating in schnappes in a trilby hat(simpsons did it first)
- Hot liquid nitrogen
- A still beating Tiger heart..(they have no hearts)

I settled on a steak (apologies to vegetarians),and was posed the question how do you like your steak?
"bloody or Charcoal" - direct quote.
I'm assuming these were alternatives to rare or well done.
I responded "could I possibly get..".Which and variations of, mean I would like to make my order a pain in the ass for you.
"..A rare steak cut into the shape of a cow?"

Now this is where it gets bad..or good
He shoots of like a lightning bolt to obtain my Cow steak...

5 minutes later

ADAM HAS COW SHAPED STEAK!
*UBER GAY HAPPY VICTORY DANCE*

the chef was a brilliant madman,with a clinically boring job it seems, and I'm glad to have brightened his day..or been a large pain in his ass.

I'd like to thank my waiter by the name Carl,who was handsomely tipped (£20) by me and GD for his courageous efforts in facilitating my stupidity.

We left,Me and my GD beaming like two guys just out of a brothel.
And that is why I love My Grandfather!

Crazy Relatives?
vvvTell me in commentsvvv

Howling at the moon..

First things first;
FUCK YOU MAGES!!!!
Shove your herpes up your arseholes!
If you didn't understand that,well done your a well adjusted person.

I'm gonna take a break from my regularly scheduled rant about whatever the crap affects my twisted mind and blab about stuff that actually affects me.

So wednesday night,a friend and a girlfriend are there with me, and someone says "lets go for a walk"...........at 11:30pm.
So we all put some clothes all of us madly underdressed for the weather and go for a walk in the woods in the pitch black,freezing night.
And the best part is,It's the most fun I've had in a long time,it was muddy and wet and very cold and I loved every second of it.
But it also raised to my attention my horrendously overactive imagination and the fact that I have an internal soundtrack to my life playing at all time.Now were on a small path wandering through dense forest and I start seeing things that aren't there and having thoughts about were-wolves and murderers and rapists and vague mythological things that exist in the wierd old books I read.

Anyway thats not the wierdest part,we get to the top of a nearby mountian(welsh definition) and I'm fairly warm so I take of my hoody and my arms start to burn.
So far as I can explain either I was suffering from mild mild hypothermia or Lunar light burns me,hmmm time for some mid-night tanning adventures methinks.

The other truely amazing thing about that night was how beautiful Chloe looked under the piercing white glow......Adam really is in love..and she's worth every moment of my waking attention.

So we've established today that I'm a huge Goth/nerd/emo/fag/childish/wierdo and I really can't help but be romantic lol.

I've got to go now,but you all know a little more about me...good or bad,your decision.

"Show me,Show me,Show me how you do that trick. The one that makes me laugh she said, Threw her arms around my head,the one that makes me scream she said.And I promise you,I'll run away with you."

Xanthe shouted at me...

So...Second step in unraveling the universe.
Build a time machine...safe to say that as of modern knowledge, that's already impossible Einstein said so.
well anyway go back in time to five minutes ago and plant one on past you,hell slip yourself the tongue.....Why not you've just caused the same matter to exist in the same place at the same time and effectively ended to universe.
Star trek simplification...like putting too much air(matter) in a balloon(universe).


Like the title says Xanthe shouted at me so I'm blogging again.
Today I was posed one of the most disturbing and brilliant questions I think I've ever heard.
'What would happen if you shot a very fat person around the LHC?'
And to me,It's one of those questions that makes me want to take 7 years of biology,chemistry and physic just to find an answer for...because real scientists who've already done this...just wouldn't waste their time with such questions.The biologist are busy developing super creatures using selective genes from all the planets most obedient and dangerous animals,the chemists are forcing masscara(or whatever) onto test monkies and physicists are busy making sure the gravity stays on....because as we all know,no gravity would exist were it not for a select cadre of super physicists.

Oh god I've just jumped into conspiracy territory......lets not waste an opportunity ay.
The world is controlled by the jews,who are actually the bad guys from scientology,who secretly control the world through a series of mind control agents administered through cheese.And the cows,believe it or not,are a collective hive mind,and they all share their IQ of about 120 each.......they are Immensely intellegent and they have plans for our elbow skin....dangerous plans.Also the Holocaust was a lie to cover up America's Invasion of Iraq.....future planning in the past!?

If I trail of with a string of random letters the men in black suits will have dragged me away to serve time in Guantanamo Bay,which is a biological testing lab, actually that sounds feasable lol

Back to my Fat Person/LHC conundrum, I personally think that provided the head was positioned so that the particles there accelerated first,they would reach high enough speed that after the machine had stopped it's whining and struggling enough particles with have moved that sad fat persons head would be up their own arse(Insert Black Hole Joke Here)......but really I don't think I put enough effort into the creative side of that....

So to finish today;
What do you think would happend in my LHC/Chubby scenario?

Everything Must Start Somewhere...

First things first,Unraveling the universe;
Grip firmly on either end and pull.
Then take into account that the universe was designed in such a way the it will fuck itself up,and to be quite honest doesn't mind taking you with it.
After pulling on either end you should realise that much like a shoelace or a tangled pair of headphones,That has led you straight down shit alley....Enjoy.

I am Adam and the only reason I'm doing this blog because I'm not so stuck up my own arse that I'll never change my opinion just to be stubborn,so Xanthe wins...but I'm eating meat again now..so in a way we both win..or lose.

Anyway I started of by saying that "People who write blogs are sad and desperate people,sadly and desperately looking for other peoples approval online".I also said that the internet is depressing,but I stand by that. After a long hard think (AKA Insomnia and Too much coffee), I realised that it isn't just bloggers and people online that are sad and desperate, Everybody on this planet has a need to feel noticed and loved......People are like flowers, we all need love and attention to grow....not physically though...
*edit* I apologise to any extra-terrestrial or extra-dimensonal beings that happen to read this,I didn't mean to imply that you don't deserve love.*edit*
So I apologise to everyone who reads this...because,ya'know..your a blogger and so am I now.Also because I tend to start a lot of paragraphs with Anyway,I know it's annoying but I can't seem to stop.

And so,I was talking about the universe and how it likes to fuck people over.To expand a little,it particularly likes to fuck people over with the clever application of Irony.
Case in Point;
http://www.nytimes.com/1985/08/02/us/victim-at-lifeguards-party.html
For those of you too damned lazy to click a link and read that whole seven lines.
Someone drowned at a lifegaurds party celebrating a drowning free summer,with 4 lifegaurds on duty!
And take into account that it was probably lifegaurd +1 arrangement,so at least half the people in that party were trained lifegaurds.

Almost like dying from head injuries related to falling hard hats.....

Instead of leaving you with a thought for the day,Imma leave you with a challange.
Find a better example of universal Irony than my lifeguard story.